The Dappled Odysseys

Feelings. It is interesting how feelings happen, when they flare up. How intense they can feel and make you feel.
Each time I sit down and say to myself, “I am going to write out my feelings.” I stop. I feel awkward for some strange reason. Or something comes up and I end up doing that other thing and get lazy later and not write.
This seems so rambly and no point. However, I guess in a sense, it isn’t so pointless. I can get out my feelings as well as sort through my thoughts.
What else is on my mind? Well, my undborn child. As of today, February 6 2023, she has not made her appearance, wel;, I guess technically she still can, it is only 2 pm.
I am excited, nervous, scared, happy, unshore, worried.
I have two other girls, age 5 and 2. They are…….well, let’s say a handful at times. Now, I am going to have another.
I don’t understand sometimes how people can do it with many kids. I feel worried that I am not the best, that I am failing myself or my children in a way.
I don’t normally look at my blindness as a hinderince and I know it is not. Many blind parents raise great kids and many kids. I just feel like they have something I don’t. Maybe they grew up with a good mother figure. They know the basics of having parents and how to parent in a sense, at least if they had a good upbringing of course.
I feel I have missed out in a sense. Yes, I had a great grandmother and she raised me as good as she could. However, at the end of the day, she wasn’t my mother, right? Of course, she was a mom herself. However, I think it is different when you have your own kids verses others. There is a different connection.
Ok, so I digress.
I just am feeling all of these emotions and thinking all these thoughts.